Yes / No / Maybe Checklist
The Yes / No / Maybe list: a complete guide
A Yes / No / Maybe list is a structured tool in which each person independently rates their interest in a range of activities as Yes (interested), No (not for me), or Maybe (open but cautious). Comparing lists reveals overlap, opens conversation, and removes the pressure of negotiating interests out loud for the first time.
Who this is for
Anyone beginning to explore kink with a partner, or any experienced pair wanting to revisit and update their shared understanding of what they each want.
What this helps with
- ✓Identifies shared interests without either person needing to declare them out loud first
- ✓Opens conversation about topics that might feel awkward to raise directly
- ✓Creates a written record of current limits — useful to revisit over time
- ✓Reduces the pressure of negotiation by externalising it to a shared document
How it works
Both people independently complete the same list. Then you compare. Where both answers are Yes, you have shared territory. Where one is Maybe, you have a subject to discuss. Where either person has No, you have a clear limit — and that is the end of the conversation on that topic for now.
- —Complete independently — do not fill it in together, or one person will influence the other
- —Be honest rather than aspirational — mark Maybe if you are uncertain, not Yes to please
- —Compare results together, in a neutral, unhurried setting
- —A No from either person means that activity is off the table — no negotiation required
Using the list over time
Interests and limits change. What is a No now may become a Maybe in six months. What is a Yes may no longer feel that way. Revisiting the list every few months — or when something significant has changed — is one of the most effective habits for maintaining clear, mutual understanding.
What belongs on the list
A good list includes a wide range, from the very light to the more complex, so that people have language for things they might not have thought to raise. It should always be adjusted for the people using it — remove anything irrelevant and add anything specific to your context.
Common questions
Where do I find a Yes / No / Maybe list?
Many versions are freely available online. Choose one that covers a broad range without explicit imagery. Alternatively, create your own — it does not need to be comprehensive to be useful.
Do we have to discuss every item on the list?
No. Only discuss the items where your answers differ or where one of you has marked Maybe. Shared Yes responses and shared No responses speak for themselves.
What if I am embarrassed to reveal my answers?
The list is private until you choose to share it. Completing it alone first gives you time to sit with your own answers before discussing them. You can share selectively — you do not have to show every item at once.
What if we have very different lists?
That is normal and not a problem. Different interests do not mean incompatibility. The conversation about differences — approached with curiosity rather than expectation — is often where the most useful understanding develops.
Can we do this before we have done anything together?
Yes — and this is one of the best times to use it. Having shared language before any experience removes a lot of the uncertainty that would otherwise be navigated in the moment.